I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
That's a humerus joke.
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
This is the only good boomer comic
What is the least spoken language in the world?
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
The best hot take on Bernie dropping out.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
How the times change…
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
Damn, they should meet up and fight that Lordship up.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Young Virgin Couple
Young Virgin Couple A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
And any millennium problem.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
To me it was both but mostly sad
Umbrellas = Slavery
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Posted on facebook. Oh boy
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
“Marriage Story” Action Figures
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, “i used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith”.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
What Republicans Mean By “Reopen”
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
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Poor cat cant get a rest
At least someone is reaping the benefits of the outdoors.
Like my silver medal did for me at the Catholympics…
…prove that you're second to nun.
Honesty is the best policy
He was ahead of his time
I think this is probably closer to the truth
*laughs in not dying*
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
This is what my girlfriend has to put up with lol
Everything is great!
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Based on a true story
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
2PAC more like 2-PAM
Newton’s 3rd law learned the hard way
Is it tho?
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
Donald Trump gives a speech to the troops going to Iran 2020 colorized
Big brain time
It was only an inspection
What’s Santa’s race?
Sad boomer noises
At least it’s android now.
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
I wish you all a Happy Halloween/Allsaints with this boomer meme.
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Lemme put my glasses on
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Well, well, well. How the turntables.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.