I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once
It’s a four loaf cleaver
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
Bro Really Needed The Money
Bro Really Needed The Money
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.
She almost poked my eye out.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken…
…they’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.” So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety. The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there." So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety. Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
