I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
For real tho
For real tho
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
I need a raise.
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish