I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.
He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days. When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
![Home made 4D cinema [NSFW]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/2v2x88ohi6941-400x583.jpg)
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion