I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years.
I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
It all
The title says it all.
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Trump, in a rare moment of candor, reveals his penis size to President Obama.
https://ift.tt/345zdY2
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
Long Joke
Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair. Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go. So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go. Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair. Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way. Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?” Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
