I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
He’s good at saving
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
..My door is always open.
Looking at it now, I see why.
You're not alone.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
It runs in my jeans.
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Just give it time.
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
But none of them work
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
It's not your typical food sauce
I’ve never had a beef with one.