I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you."
I said, "Don't mention it."
It became a prime number against all odds.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
They both wiggle when you eat them.
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Now I have a bitcoin.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I woke up exhausted
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
They turnip the beets
It really makes my day.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
You are not alone
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
That’s a lot of pressure.
Yes, we arson.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Nothing. It’s on the house.
He couldn’t see that well