I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Atheism
Is a non-prophet organization
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?