I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
https://ift.tt/37rGxiU
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
It will look terrible until you start getting used to it, then anything new you get will look terrible again.
It will look terrible until you start getting used to it, then anything new you get will look terrible again.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..