I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
After all the OSHA violations he was pretty low on cash…
After all the OSHA violations he was pretty low on cash…
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…
So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down