I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.
But it still has potential.
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable