I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”