I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
Quack cocain
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
