I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
![Giraffe problems [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Q2KDLEx-400x400.jpg)
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
