I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK.
Happy Fathers Day everybody
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
One day a man goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does." The husband says "Who is his father?" The wife says "You are."
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
