I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, Iโm okay.
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
Someone told me my clothes looked gay this morning
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
My wife left me because Iโm too insecure
No wait, sheโs back She just went to make a cup of coffee
What makes cars look faster?
No text found
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
Iโll beheading there soon.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, โOf course.โ To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesnโt hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, โYou know, when I was your age, Iโd hit the ball right over that tree.โ With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. โOf course,โ says the old man, โwhen I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.โ
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Why canโt the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain.
They Shere Khan.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: Thatโs so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: Thatโs so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..