I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Four Men Went Golfing Together
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said…. "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper….
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd