I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I like the way you are thinking
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?
The can both soften your stool.
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa