I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
