I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that's his story and he's sticking to it.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch…
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.
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I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny