I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor!!! Ha!
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…