I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
https://ift.tt/37rGxiU
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
https://ift.tt/36qzF4s
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
Today I got gas for $1.49!
..At Taco Bell.
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
