I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
My doctor said it's my grains…
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
With animals in his heart.
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
They say she had a mean flow.
It’s syncing now
Because 6, 7 8.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
They get toad.
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
To get to the udder side
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
..At Taco Bell.
They take the psycho path.
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
They just drank at home.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"