I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
I had donkey meat for the first time.
It tasted like ass.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall.
But they’ll get over it
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
A few days after Christmas,
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
A farmer’s son joins reddit and finds the r/Jokes subreddit
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen." The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts." His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those." "I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son. "Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
