I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face