I buy my clothes from Walmart. Good enough for me. These fashion-eestas from the big Apple ain’t gonna change me.
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end." The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead." Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket." When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini