I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do they call Miley Cyrus in europe?
Kilometry Cyrus.
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
βBeing 70 is the worst!β The 70 year old exclaims. βEvery morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!ββOh, thatβs nothing!β The 80 year old says. βEach morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!ββOh, thatβs nothingβ The 90 year old says. βI have it the worst!ββCan you pee?β The first man asks.βCertainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.ββCan you poop?β The second man asks.βYes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.ββThenΒ I donβt understand what the problem is!β The first man says.βWell, I wake up at 9!β
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, βSir, would you care for a drink?β
I asked her, βwhat are my options?β She said, βyes or no.β
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and theyβre fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! Heβs an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well thatβs not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: Iβm .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
A waiter once asked me: βDo you wanna box for your leftovers?β
I said: βNo, but Iβll wrestle you for them!β
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
E Minor is Spooky.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasnβt a good Schwimmer.
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who canβt
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?β
Smiling, I replied, βTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β I explained, βBecause…heβs my newt!"
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
βIn English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.β But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, βYeah, right.β