I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
That’s not a good sign.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender. The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up. This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated. Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table. Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change". The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
Click here to find out!
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
Because she kept running away from the ball
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
Look for the fresh prints
Quacks in the pavement.
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
There’s way too much sax and violins
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
They were Prime mates.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
I just gave my too weak notice!
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
Game of Thrones
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"