I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
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Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
It was quite a Marvel.
The catapult worked well
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
Now he is a hopster
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
They both never get old.
But backwards it’s even more stupid…
The times are rough
"Username checks out"
Remains to be seen
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
he felt his presence
is it called an Edison now?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.