I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter….
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
A podcaster.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy…
At least, that’s what she said in her diary
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store…
…so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!". The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."