I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
Dirty Old Man Joke #536
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – 'Is that one word, or two?'