I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
There was two windmills in a field
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?” The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
