I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
But when I do, he laughs.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
It makes the trunk of the car look better
He had a hunch
But no-one will do it.
They are already experts at recycling.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
It was a #2!
how bad an electrician I am.
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
He said it was a little plane
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
A vaccum cleaner.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
I just needed an outlet.
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
… and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.” The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” The bartender says “take a bite.” The man takes a bite of the apple “wow this tastes just like whiskey!” Bartender “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims “wow this tastes just like coke! I’m gonna eat these all night!” A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 2nd man says “what is this? I don’t want an apple!” The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims “wow this tastes just like gin!” Bartender says “turn it around.” The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. “Wow I’m going to eat these all night!” Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says “Man I don’t want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.” The bartender says “Oh don’t worry I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 3rd man extremely confused says “what is this for?” The bartender says “Take a bite.” The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!” The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison “Turn it around.”