I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand.
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Between you and me, something smells.
It depends on what's at steak
The results speak for themselves.
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
certain circumstances. only funny
You can say… I solved the case.
It’s all about raisin awareness
Now I call him Dav.
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
He's gay, definitely gay.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
He drank coffee before it was cool
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I have Butterfingers.
Remove the ring and your house is gone.