I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
Itโs true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Finding Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
My sister wonโt let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sisterโs baby, I dropped it. It wasnโt even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and sheโs overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while Iโm denying it. Sheโs all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah Iโm just kidding, my sister doesnโt have kids Anymore
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
Whatโs E.T. short for?
Heโs only got little legs.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks โDo you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?โ
The pirate replies, โ Arrrgh, itโs drivinโ me nuts!โ
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
Thatโs just how I roll.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American…
… an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Briton, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry I canโt let you in without a Thai."
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, โJust so you know, the boss has no ears. Heโs really sensitive about it, so donโt let him know that you know.โ The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, โWhatโs the first thing you notice about me?โ The man says, flustered, โYou have no ears.โ The boss says, โGet the hell out of here.โ The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, โJust so you know, the boss has no ears. Heโs really sensitive about it, so donโt let him know that you know.โ The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, โWhatโs the first thing you notice about me?โ The man pauses, anxious, sweating โ finally he says, โYou have no ears.โ The boss says, even angrier, โGet the hell out of here!โ The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, โJust so you know, the boss has no ears. Heโs really sensitive about it, so donโt let him know that you know.โ The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, โWhatโs the first thing you notice about me?โ The man says, โThat you wear contacts.โ The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, โNo one has ever noticed. How did you know?โ The man says, โWell you canโt wear glasses, you have no ears.โ
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, โDeath to America!โ
I think I might have terror wrists.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: โWell? Are you still coughing?โ The patient replies: โNo. Iโm afraid to.โย
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"