I can do it all over without a doubt
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…