I can feel the internet sarcasm. Thanks reddit.
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’ At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much