I can never remember the Roman Numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500…
IM LIVID
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
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Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
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So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ain’t no snitch.
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
I’ve just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁