It was a risk I was willing to take.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. “Amazing” says John “Best meal ever” says Phil “I wish my wife could cook like this” says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that they’re gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. “I didn’t think you could top last night but you have” says John “Have you been taking classes because this is phenomenal” says Phil “Keep cooking like this and I’ll marry you” says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. John’s teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, “My god, this is SHIT!” He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says “but beautifully cooked.”
I was fired immediately.
When I asked for nuns?
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
A gillie suit.
And then it clicked.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
How should I know. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
The police charged me with hummus-cide
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
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She hugged me
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
Now all I’m China do is to survive
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
It causes the microphones to rust
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
Because he was outstanding in his field.
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
So I packed my bag and right
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Which I really didn't appreciate.
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level