I can see the Raging Cheeto screaming ARC-HI-ME-DES!!!! like Shatner but completely mispronouncing his name
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
What’s Beethoven doing in his grave
De-composing
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂