“I can’t afford to pay taxes that provide better education!”
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
me: i lost my gun
friend: aw shoot me: i cant
Trump would gladly sacrifice thousands of innocent Americans for economic gain.
https://ift.tt/2xNZYGr
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
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Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity