I can’t argue with this one
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. π
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canβt see in the dark…
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I canβt believe I missed all the red flags
Itβs really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
And now itβs stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you canβt go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
A magician stops a woman on a street….
βPick a card, any cardβ he says. She grabs one at random. βNow, look away and memorize that card. Donβt show me.β She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. βPush,Β PUSHβ the midwife and doctors urged. βYouβre almost there!β βThe baby! Sheβs crowning!β βBut… whatβs that in herΒ HAND???β βIt… it looks like…β βIsΒ THISΒ your card?β a familiar voice said.
A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and Iβm attractive to the opposite sex, thatβs why Iβm the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, thatβs why Iβm the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. βSorry about that. Iβm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.β The young guy says, βThatβs okay. Itβs a coincidence. Iβm looking for my wife, too. I canβt find her and Iβm getting a bit anxious.β The old guy says, βWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, βShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and sheβs wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?β The old guy says, βDoesn't matter, letβs look for yours.β
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Djibouti