I Can’t Be the Only One
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
