I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
Hillary’s emails
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One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
No text found
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
