I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
What do you call a color that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin. She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave. "What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted