I CAN’T BREATHE 😂😂😂😂😂
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
But there’s too many drawbacks
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Where the fuck is my roof?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
He pasta way
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
But my doctor just said B positive
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
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Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Picking his nose!
Sorry just practicing
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
It means a lot to them