I CAN’T BREATHE 😂😂😂😂😂
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
