I can’t even post this for 3 karma while crying
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So…is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
My boss decided to work from home the day after he fired someone for working from home too much
My boss decided to work from home the day after he fired someone for working from home too much
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store