I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
You donβt need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you donβt.
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
Whatβs Yodaβs last name?
Layheehoo
George Floyd, autopsy: βHe didnβt die from asphyxiation or strangulation.β
https://ift.tt/2TVhosr
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
No text found
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but theyβre easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” and I thought to myself…
βThatβs just spam.β
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.