I CANT FUCKIN BREATH 🤣🤣
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Until we learn, history will repeat himself until the end of time
Until we learn, history will repeat himself until the end of time
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.” “It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too.”
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!