I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
I'll hang around here. You go on ahead.
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
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Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr