I can’t stop laughing😂😂
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
Headache & testicles
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need… A new Suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see… size 44 would fit fine. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see….. size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable