I chuckled
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Germans when it comes to driving
Germans when it comes to driving
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed won ton.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
unlike actual ketchup packets, they would be the right size
unlike actual ketchup packets, they would be the right size
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
