i chuckled
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
Whatβs the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
I like the way you are thinking
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
The Queen was touring a hospital
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, βOi! What animal is that then?β βThatβs a moose,β the ranger replied. βA moose!β exclaimed the Scotsman, βIf that thereβs a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!β
Self isolation is getting so bad Iβm starting to crush on my roommate.
And weβve been married more than 27 years!
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
If I had a nickel for every time I didnβt know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If Iβm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.