i chuckled
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’ The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
