I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.
Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
Golfing with a hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" I’m a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!” was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her……He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" “Sure, what do you want?” "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."
…
My life…
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
Catto Corleone!
Catto Corleone!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too